Porning

Every now and again, I find women who aren't exactly in touch with their feminine side. In touch being the go to phrase. And by in touch, I mean, women who don't touch their feminine side. Masturbation. I myself have always been a dirty, filthy wanker. 

Which is why when the Pankhearst CEOs approached and asked for a follow-up erotica storey to what I already submitted for Cars & Girls, I thought. Easy as pie. Except, I wasn't to work alone. Zoe Spencer, girl of my dreams, love of my life, and all around innocent bobble, was given the task as well. Needless to say, my wide-eyed and sexually ambivalent best friend was in need of a little...how shall I say...coaching. Guidance  Brainstorming. 

Of course, I gave her a hand. Two in fact. 

If you want to hear her account of the story, she wrote about her experience here.

From what I can remember, and it is a bit hazy, we decided to squirrel away in a super secret local and practice our porning. After many bottles of wine, probably the reason for the thick haze, and a fair amount of bread consumed. We produced something I never thought I'd be capable of writing. Not-so-horrible fan-fiction called Fifty Shades of Green where the Hulk shows Pepper Pots his little monster. Oh, Bruce.

Oh, and ten pounds were gained. Combined, you silly ninnies. I'd have to eat my weight in sweets to gain ten pounds in two days. As much as I love pastries and cakes and biscuits, I don't think I'd be able to manage 9 stone in forty-eight hours.

I'm proud to say, Zoe is now in touch with her feminine side. She no longer thinks the act of self-pleasuring is a sin that will mar her pristine soul and give her a one way ticket to hell. Mostly because I lied to her and told her it was a completely normal and natural thing. I figure if I have to go to hell, she has to come with me. 

Our rough copies have been submitted for approval. We are waiting on word. Until then, I am going to look for ways to ease my hand cramp.

  

Hairless Wonder

Question: when did women start being hairless? For some reason, I wasn't informed. Maybe I should have invested in the new Vogue or Cosmo.

The other day I was on the train and trying my best not to make eye contact with weary travellers around me when two young, nubile girls perched across from me. Of course, I turned down my tunes so I could take a listen to their conversation.

The young women, who couldn't have been older than twenty, were talking about hair removal and how they needed to get their bodies waxed. Not their legs and underarms, but their arms, stomachs and even backs. Then they expressed how desperately they wanted laser removal of all the hair on their bodies, except the obvious.

And I thought, when did it become cool to have no hair?

To be up front with you, I'm not a fan of the prepubescent look sweeping the nation. If you ask me, which you haven't, it looks a bit on the noncey side. The least amount I'm willing to participate in is a landing strip. I won't even get into how ridiculous the tiny, wee tuft of hair that some of the porn stars are sporting looks. It simply looks as though it was left behind by accident.

All I'm saying is, if we were intended to be hairless, we would have been created in the image of the Chinese Crested Terrier. The hair is important. If not to tell us what, or who, is prime to play field hockey, then to protect us from the elements. And where will it stop? What happens when the powers that be decide it's sexy to NOT have eyebrows and eyelashes? What then?

Not only do I find the little girl look cringe worthy and unattractive, but who has the time to invest in such overzealous hair removal?

Certainly not I. After all, I barely have time to comb out these locks of mine. Bedhead is sexy, right?

Is it cold in here? 

Female On Female Hate Crimes

Nothing gets under my skin more than cat fights.

What happened to our united front? 

No woman likes it when a man calls them a 'slut' or 'bitch', but they throw these words at other girls like dart players aiming for a bullseye. 

I say, double standards no more!

If you want men to respect you enough not to think you're a whore if you spend time with blokes or wear short skirts, then you need you to serve up a little common decency for you fellow girls in arms. It's time to form a collective to put an end to bombshell battles. They are pointless and counter-productive. 

We're all out here together. Stop tossing about catty comments and take up a better cause than ripping your sisters to pieces. Just something to think about on International Women's Day.